Pie Machine Report, 2007
The Nobel π Prize
A few weeks after the inaugural run of the Pie Machine 314159, Keith Rose, on behalf of the AFL Prize Patrol, e-mailed the members of the Pie Committee to alert us that we would each be receiving a package in the mail. Keith's e-mail told us (in screaming capital letters) not to be alarmed, that the contents of the package posed no immediate threat (well, that sets off alarm bells right there), plus some legal disclaimers warning us that the sending party is not responsible for any injuries incurred by the receiving party, that the contents could be harmful if swallowed and were not for highway use. All of this sounded pretty alarming, and James was worried that the entire Pie Committee would have to marry Keith.
Traci received her package right away (on a Friday), but she didn't reveal the contents of the package so as not to spoil it for me and James. My package arrived the following Monday, and James's took forever. Nobody wanted to ruin it for James, so all we could do was wait. And wait. And wait some more. At long last, James's package arrived on Thursday, nearly a full week after Traci received hers. Finally, we were free to disclose the contents of the packages.
Taken with the camera timer, which is why I look so ridiculous.
The package I received contained three items (or "components" as Keith had called them). One component seemed to be a card, which normally I would open first, but Keith's instructions had been quite clear: ignore your socially imparted impulse, and open the brightly colored component first. Okay, then! I ripped open a brightly wrapped box, which contained a lovely blue t-shirt emblazoned with a large π made up of digits of π . Sweet! Next, I opened a manila envelope, which contained a terrific (and hilarious) certificate of award, presumably Foxy's handiwork. And last, I opened the greeting card, which had an abstract pattern on the front, and on the inside, what appeared to be a coded message. I immediately recognized it as ASCII code written in hexadecimal form.
The ciphertext on the greeting card. The message contained 17 rows of 16 two-digit hexadecimal numbers, plus one row of 8, for a total of 280 bytes.
I input the ciphertext into Mathematica, and wrote a few lines of code to convert from hexadecimal to decimal, then from decimal ASCII to plaintext. My first pass at it looked close, but a bit screwed up. Evidently I had introduced some errors when I transcribed the data, rather like the sorts of DNA transcription errors that result in genetic mutation. In particular, I had a little trouble distinguishing "6" from "b" in the handwritten ciphertext, resulting in a bit of gibberish in the message, and I also accidentally transcribed part of the message twice. After getting that all sorted out, I had the following.
eDraH lene ,C norgtalutaoisn !Y uoa ert ehw nien rfot ih seyras'N boleP irPzi eof royrui vnneitnoo fht eMP131495 .B tui snetdao fegttni g aimlloi nubkc sna d artpit otScohklo,my uog tet ih solsu y-thsri tnitsae.d nEoj!y iScnrele,yA G aretuf lFA LP S. .D irkny uo rvOlaiten .
I could see that I was definitely on the right track. The first line was pretty close to "Dear Helen" and farther down I could make out snippets of text such as "Congratulations" and "winner" and "Enjoy!" in scrambled form. Apparently Keith had rearranged the order of the columns in the ciphertext, interchanging column 1 and column 2, columns 3 and 4, and so forth. Or another way to look at it, the message had been partitioned into blocks of two characters at time, with the order of the two characters within each block reversed. So, for example, "Dear Helen" was transformed into "eDraH lene", interchanging "D" and "e", "r" and "a", the space and "H", and so forth. A few more lines of code to undo this, and I had it.
Dear Helen, Congratulations! You are the winner of this year's Nobel Pi Prize for your invention of the PM314159. But instead of getting a million bucks and a trip to Stockholm, you get this lousy t-shirt instead. Enjoy! Sincerely, A Grateful AFL P.S. Drink your Ovaltine.
Thanks, Keith! That was fun.
My Nobel π Prize Certificate
Thanks, everyone! The t-shirt and certificate are great, and the cloak and dagger e-mails and encrypted message were great fun.
Post Script
Once everyone had received their packages, Keith revealed Phase II of Operation Pie Committee Member Recognition. Phase I was fun and games, and Phase II was unbelievably touching. Here, I'll let Keith explain.
Subject:
Re: An AFL Conspiracy
From: Keith Rose
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 04:24:52 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman
The Conspiracy ... EXPOSED
All Pie Committee Members have received their packages. In each
package was:
1) A card with a special individual message for each PCM. The
authors of these cards have wisely chosen to remain anonymous.
2) A certificate of recognition, authored by DonZ, and lovingly
rendered by our own Foxyscribe.
and
3) A "pi" shirt, depicting that Greek symbol composed of over 4,000
tiny digits of pi. Kathy Lee herself supervised a cadre of Chinese
children in the construction of these shirts.
See Helen's superb report for pictures, and details about her special,
individual message. Let's hope that her fellow Pie Committee Members
follow suit.
Anyway, that was Operation Pie Committee Member Recognition, Phase I.
I am happy to report that there were only minor, barely-worth-mentioning
casualties in Phase I. The contributors for Operation Pie Committee
Member Recognition (both phases) were, in alphabetical order:
BostonBill
Brady
Carl
Dake
David Yoder
DonZ
Dr. Rod
Foxyscribe
Katycren
Keith
Marilyn
Pat Fleet
Renee
Tom Costello
Tom Cronin
Tom Wolper
Five more people named "Tom" wanted in, but we had reached our
quota.
I wish to make it perfectly clear, at this point, that the list of
individuals contacted for this effort was an extremely small subset
of AFL. I'm sorry if you would have liked to contribute but weren't
contacted! Further, if you read the names above, and assume that
people NOT named chose not to contribute, that ISN'T true! In all
likelihood, those people probably didn't know about this. Blame
me and me alone for not compiling a more complete roster.
The second and last phase of Operation Pie Committee Member
Recognition thankfully doesn't involve slow-rolling packages bound
for California. To best explain Phase II, I simply refer you to
this letter, which was mailed on December 20.
====================================================================
Michelle Silverman, Executive Director
Free Arts Minnesota
400 1st Avenue North
Suite 518
Minneapolis, MN 55401
Dear Ms. Silverman,
It is my pleasure to offer to Free Arts Minnesota a donation in the
amount of $235. This donation is made in honor of Pat Fleet, and
comes as a result of... well it's complicated.
Let's just say that Pat has three friends, Helen, Traci and James,
who work hard every year to brighten the lives of Pat and several
of Pat's other friends. In an effort to reward Helen, Traci and
James, the friends chipped in for a small gift for them. Because
there were so many friends, and the gift was so modest, they knew
that extra funds would be collected.
Pat recently made us aware of Free Arts Minnesota, and the wonderful
things that you are doing for children who have such great need.
It was unanimously decided that the extra funds that we collected
be designated for your worthy program. In fact, after that decision
was made and publicized, contributions soon exceeded the modest
gift cost, and eventually surpassed that cost by a factor of four.
We wish to thank you, your staff, and your volunteers for your hard
work, dedication, and for the positive impact you have had in so
many children's lives.
Sincerely,
Keith Rose
====================================================================
With the mailing of that letter (and accompanying check), Operation
Pie Committee Member Recognition comes to a close. If we put a
smile on the face of any Pie Committee Member, then the operation
was a success.
In closing, I would like to personally thank all of the contributors
and Pie Committee Members. I learned a lot from you over the past
couple of weeks:
I learned that Carl has a deep mistrust of the Internet.
I learned that Don is a funny guy. (Actually, I already knew this.)
I learned that Marilyn is way smarter than I am. (I knew this too.)
I learned that Foxy can scribe like nobody's business. (Yeah, I
knew this too.)
I learned that at least one of us wears a suit and tie to work.
I learned that Dake believes that Eskimos live in Vermont.
I learned that Foxy has a deep hatred of the USPS, or a deep love
for her UPS guy, or possibly both.
I learned that Traci and Helen excel at getting packages, whereas
James "meets grade level expectations with minimum acceptable
performance."
I learned that if you succumb to your inner-13-year-old you can
get a lot of mileage out of the words "package" and "unit."
I learned that one esteemed AFL fellow has an unhealthy desire to
see me in bicycle shorts.
I learned that Katycren uses a TRS-80 to access the Internet from
work, and can only view JPEGs if they are rendered with a crayon.
I learned that when I start receiving cash in the mail from out-
of-state women, my wife starts asking questions.
I learned that Dake and DonZ favor "shock and awe" as opposed to
"slow descent into madness."
I learned several people's addresses and cell-phone numbers, which
might come in handy if I ever need bail or a good alibi.
I learned that Foxy has a friend named Randi who didn't know that
Kenny's wife's name is Susan. If that last sentence has you thinking
"huh?" -- well, exactly. That lead to:
Learning that Foxy needs a little *more* coffee at 8:30 AM, and a
little *less* Bailey's, if you know what I mean.
I learned that delegating generosity is easier than I expected.
Or, as the famous 20th/21st century philosopher put it:
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals ... except the weasel. - Homer Simpson
Finally, I learned that you all are generous, giving people, if not
a little gullible, easily mislead, and deficient in accounting and
auditing skills.
I hope everybody involved had as much fun as I did.